The missing nomination

So… a long time ago, the lovely Eliza was nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award and was very sweet to pass the nomination to me, among other people. When I say ‘a long time ago’, I mean 8 months ago. Yes. EIGHT months. What? did you expect me to update regularly? Me neither. Although I admit I did not think I will take so many months in between posts. Or that my past few posts would be so depressing, but oh well… Así es la vida.

As I am new to blogging and to nominations and tags and things like this, I was very interested to know that exactly is the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award and I found a good description and history of the award in this post by Rikka. I find it very interesting how the format has changed over the years. I do love the idea of this nomination and I love Eliza’s questions so let’s do it!

 

The questions:

1. What is your fondest childhood memory?

When I was very young I used to go spend summer and winter holidays with my godmother quite often. The city she lived in was quite close to the mountains and the air was always very fresh and smelled like forest. My room, while I stayed with them, was the smallest in the house, but seemed huge to me and had balcony that overlooked small children’s play space with wooden swings. I remember that when it rained or snowed, I would sit on the little chair next to the balcony window, looking outside, and listening to children’s stories on an old wooden record player (or is it called a Turntable?). I think that was what made me love stories.

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2. What is your favorite hobby/pastime?

Reading – or listening to – stories. I love stories in any format – audio books are great if they have a good narrator, I love the smell and feel of a physical book and I carry my e-reader with me everywhere because it’s extremely convenient, especially when reading at night, in the dark and having to be quiet. I read at night more often than I want to admit. I also read fan fiction, but I think I will keep the details of why and how I feel about it for another post.

If I am listening to an audio book, I also tend to do something else with my hands. That something is usually trying to knit. I say trying because I keep messing up patterns, losing count of rows, etc. But this, too, is subject for another post. When I am not messing up patterns, I am usually playing solitaire.
3. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment?

I don’t know. I have been thinking about this question, on and off, for the last eight months. Yes, it gave me a mini-quarter-life-crisis. I keep coming back to the same answer – so I think I’ll just go with that: being completely independent by age 23. I have been living and studying in another country since I was 19 and I have managed to work and maintain myself since I started third year of university (at the age of 22). I haven’t alone, my partner has been with me through it all – we left to study together, we live together and we share responsibilities. But I am proud of where we are in life. There. That’s the answer, for all intents and purposes, you could stop reading here. The next paragraph is me going on a tangent and rambling a bit.

Now for the rambling: the reason I am reticent to call it “my greatest accomplishment”… or even an accomplishment… is that I feel that I have only done what I needed to do, and what was expected of me. It never felt like a choice and as such, it’s hard to feel anything towards it. My parents have always been poor and wanted a better future for me. For as long as I can remember, I knew that I was expected to learn, be the best in school, leave the country and make a better future for myself. Which I did. Part of that expectation was also a brilliant career, with lots of money, traveling around the world and taking care of my parents. Those haven’t happened yet, as I have just started a career (I am not sure if it is the career, but we’ll see). To be honest, I am not sure if they will ever happen or if that’s what I want from my life.

The end… almost!

So now that we’re finished with my answers, I feel like I should make up some questions and nominate some other people. The problem? Being a new blogger, I don’t know many people. I do know one person that really deserves a nomination and I would love to read her answers : Jeyna Grace. Jeyna, I haven’t seen these kinds of posts on your page, so I don’t know if you’re interested, but just in case. It is, of course, up to you whether you participate or not.

And now the questions:

  1. What is the story/book you are most fond of?
  2. What is one thing about you that you hope will never change?
  3. If you could read the best literary work of one country, in their original language, which country would that be and why?

 

P.S. Eliza, I don’t think I can nominate you back, but if any of these questions tempt you, I am curious what your answers would be.

P.P.S. Thanks again for the nomination!

 

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I’m a rebel!

 

*The song is Belle from the play Notre Dame de Paris – you can find it on its entirety on Youtube*

I have spent many days and nights watching plays like this one – musical or otherwise – although this is still one of my favourites. I also like to go to the theatre as often as my budget permits it. From time to time though, they bring back to the surface all the pain, regret and anger that I usually keep stored well away.

What does that have to do with being a rebel? I’ll get to that, I promise.

You see, six or seven years ago, I was in high school (college for the British people – I think. Anyway, the thing before University) and I discovered acting lessons. Those lessons then led to me actually being in a play – performing in front of people. It was exhausting, of course, but well worth the pain. We had rehearsals during the week, after school – and then, every Saturday, more acting lessons, physical exercises (a couple of hours at least) and more rehearsals. And on Sundays we were on stage.

It lasted a year – an amazing, exhausting year. We were in a workshop for yet another play, we were given the opportunity to talk with great actors, such as Marcel Iures and volunteer behind the stage at the biggest theatre in the city.

 

Can you guess where this is going?

 

And then my mother decided I cannot go anymore – partly because she said she didn’t have the money anymore (£25 a month) and partly (and I think this was the real reason) because she thought that I am wasting my time, that I should be preparing for my exams (A levels equivalent) and that most actors – except for the brilliant ones – starve. And then a friend of hers said that if I still want to pursue that career after my exams, she will arrange with a great actor she knows to tutor me.

Thus, I did what was expected of me, and stopped going, convinced that after another year and a half, after my exams, I will get the tutoring. And then life spiralled out of control, some bad things happened, my mother threatened that if I do not go to study something worthwhile in another country, she will throw me out of the house and be done with me forever (and stupid little me BELIEVED her), her friend that should have arranged the tutoring moved to another country, etc.

So here I am, six years later: I have a steady job, I am completely independent and I am proud of my achievements. However, I am angry with myself for always doing what was expected of me, not what I wanted. I am so angry that it’s hard for me to accept even the most well-meaning advice – moreover, I am always tempted to do the opposite of that advice, even if it’s not good for me. I like to joke with my partner that “I’m a rebel!” each time I don’t want to do something just because he suggested it.

There, I got to the rebel part in the end, see?

But I am not sure I really am a rebel – I am independent but not going back to acting, because it might cost me my (financial) independence. And also, because I feel like this is the responsible thing to do, and I have felt on my own skin what happens when adults don’t do the responsible things.

I keep telling myself that in the end, everyone has regrets (right?) and that I am proud of where I am in life, so maybe it’s a good idea to stop with the “what ifs” ( right???).

But can I? See, when I watch plays like Notre Dame de Paris I sometimes remember how it felt to be on stage. It’s not a “what if I would have tried?” is a “what if I wouldn’t have stopped doing what I loved with all my heart?” And somehow, that’s much harder to get over.

So what’s there to do? I have no idea. Interestingly, the words that helped me most were these:

“If you expect to feel good when you can’t, you’ll feel worse, not just because you’ll be disappointed, but because you’ll feel personally responsible for your pain. You feel like a failure, a loser, someone who’s lost his groove and can’t get it back. (…) You’re never defeated if what’s stopping you is reality. Defeat is wasting your time complaining about what you can’t change or trying to control it when you know you can’t. Defeat is being an idiot about not giving up on your wishes. Victory is putting up with the pain and humiliation of reality and trying to make things better anyway.”

(The quote is from a book called F*ck Feelings by Dr. Michael Bennett and Sarah Bennett)

Adiós

 

P.S. If someone reads this after the time machine has been invented, can you please go back in time before I gave up theatre and slap some sense of rebellion into me, please?
Thanks xx