J’ai peur

I am afraid of everything.

I know, it sounds like an overstatement… “Rhea, you can’t be afraid of everything – that’s simply not humanly possible. Are you afraid of soap or flowers or pencils? “

No. I am not. But I find a way to always be afraid of every experience, every change, everything. It might be more accurate to say I am always afraid than I am afraid of everything. While I can’t give you a complete list, here are some of the most important ones:

I am afraid of hurting the people I care about, I am afraid of hurting people in general.

I am afraid of bothering people, so my anxiety sky-rockets when I need to make a call, even if the call is to the bank, the telephone company, etc. I realise it’s their job, yet still I would rather not do it. This extends to things like ordering something and being given the wrong food. I would rather not eat it than have to go back and ask them to give me what I ordered.

I am even afraid of answering the phone. So I don’t, usually. I hope that if it’s important they’ll either leave a voicemail or text me. And then, once I know what it is they want to talk about, I call them back – or (more often than not) text them. There are only two people in my life that are exceptions from this rule and I would always answer.

I am afraid of looking/ sounding stupid or not being good enough. So I usually keep quiet and rarely join conversations. I am working on this though, I can now talk with my work colleagues, although I usually rather ask for their opinions than express mine. This also means that I am afraid of writing stories, practicing any skill with people around, talking in another language, etc. although I would love to do all those things. If I try to, it feels like I am failing – and ruining the pages I write on, or the language, or the story.

I am afraid of travelling. Not of accidents, usually – unless someone I care about is travelling with me, then yes, I am also concerned about that. I am afraid of forgetting important things at home, forgetting to lock the doors, losing the luggage, being late and losing the flight, of missing my train/bus/coach stop.

I am afraid of seeing and talking with people who do not like me. Or with whom I have fought. It terrifies me. I would rather sleep on the streets than be in the same house with that person. Unfortunately that’s not always realistic, if that person is a relative. And the fact that I know that I can’t really avoid it, or at least not without hurting other people I care about, makes me so anxious that I can’t stand being around myself.

Well, if I am honest, many situations make me so anxious that I can’t stand being around myself? So what do I do when I find myself feeling like that? Well, I used to eat – usually sweets. Now I watch YouTube videos, or movies, and play things like solitaire – to distract my mind from everything.

I made this blog to deal with part of my fears. And I think it’s a good strategy for me. But lately I found myself playing solitaire and watching comedy instead of writing…I mean… hit by a terrible curse that stopped me from writing.

So here’s an attempt to break the curse by writing something. I’ll try to go back to failing at things and documenting my journey soon.

In the meantime,

Adiós

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2 comments

  1. sheepcarrot · August 16, 2015

    You’re not alone in your anxieties. I share many of those with you, especially the fear of feeling I’m not good/smart/eloquent enough for whatever the situation it is. And I hate change. I would rather be bored in my routine than have my life change in any sort of way, but then a lot of that goes back to fearing I’d fail at whatever the new situation is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rheatethyss · August 17, 2015

      Thanks, it’s good to know I am not the only one 🙂

      Yeah, I am the same with change. It’s scary even when it’s good – and I know it’s good – but all I can think about is “how will this go wrong?”

      Well, I am trying to remedy that – and the blog is one of the methods. If I plan to fail, I don’t feel as stupid when I actually fail 🙂

      Like

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